“G-Force” a sparkler, fizzling out

There’s an age limit to owning a guinea pig. Young kids love them, because their lack of life experience makes them ignorant that entertainment has evolved past the rodent. If guinea pigs could talk, as they do in “G-Force,” they’d be more interesting; but only by a little.

“G-Force” is a conventional spy film, albeit one covered in fur. A secret FBI project, headed by Ben (Zach Galifianakis), has discovered the speaking and fighting potential of animals and formed a team of pet shop curios to combat international crime. Led by Darwin (Sam Rockwell), the crew includes guinea pigs Juarez (Penélope Cruz) and Blaster (Tracy Morgan), Mooch (Dee Bradley Baker) the fly and Speckles (Nicolas Cage) the mole. Attempting to justify the program’s existence, the team infiltrates the home of a baddy named Saber (Bill Nighy), the Bill Gates of the “G-Force” world, to steal information about a secret, world-conquering project.

The action packed intro doesn’t save the team. Soon afterwards they are disbanded and end up at rock-bottom, with an empty bottle in a pet store. There the cast fills itself out with another guinea pig, Hurley (Jon Favreau), and hamster Bucky (Steve Buscemi). Despite the new additions, everything “G-Force” has to offer has already been shown. There’s guinea pig spy work, plenty of 3D pop out and a James Bond for Dummies sense of comedy that focuses near exclusively on the one-liner.

I thought I’d died and gone to one-liner hell, seven levels down where I’m scraped against the teeth of a guinea pig for all eternity. Hyperbole aside, “G-Force” humor doesn’t move far beyond fart jokes and incessant references to other movies, which must have been intended to make adults laugh. “G-Force” would have been better served by more physical comedy; messing that up only makes it better. Juarez’ romantic manipulation of Blaster and Darwin, in which she disguises her feelings under a torrent of doublespeak, and the sound of Buscemi’s voice coming from a hamster are the few gags worth laughing at.

There are things to gawk at, though. One scene sees the team traveling through a field full of fireworks that explode as they dodge through the mayhem. Sparks scatter across the screen and spill into the extra third dimension of space in front of the screen, putting viewers in the middle of a fireworks display that seems to pop and whirl around their seats. It’s breathtaking. It’s also a little scary. I thought my corneas were going to be singed.

Acting is another momentum provider for “G-Force,” and I was glad to see Rockwell taking the lead role. His voice has a heroic tint that Cage’s, the more obvious choice for an action hero, lacks. The latter is all but unrecognizable as Speckles, no small feat for a bona fide movie star. But it’s Cruz that gives the best performance. She uses her voice in a guinea pig body as she would in her gorgeous human one, lending Juarez comic discord, believability and, dare I say, sex appeal. As expected, the things that cost the most money in “G-Force” are best. There are great, if uninspired, visual effects and an excellent cast n with one huge exception.

All those fans of “The Hangover” itching to see “G-Force,” all two of you, don’t. It only damages Galifianakis’ image, and not because he chose to be in a poor film. He gives the worst performance so far this year. No hyperbole in that. Not only is his dry style inappropriate for an action film, but he doesn’t even try to do his best at the normal routine, never coming close to earning a laugh. At best he gets the scraps of pity laughter. Regular guinea pigs show more emotion than Galifianakis. Acting out scenes with invisible characters might be difficult, but nothing improves when other people are onscreen. This must have been a mantra on the set: Pinch Galifianakis, he fell asleep again.

Unfortunately, “G-Force” has the emotional depth of Galifianakis’ portrayal. Much ado is made about the relationship between Darwin and Hurley, but it’s nothing that could find resonance in my spacious empathy. To prove that last claim, I did feel compassion for the villain’s back-story of extermination and revenge. But when others around me laughed, I realized I had committed a sin of suspension of disbelief. These were guinea pigs after all, and “G-Force” doesn’t have a Pixar level of anthropomorphic magic. So I said a prayer to Coleridge and snickered alongside. “G-Force” doesn’t deserve much else.

1 out of 4 stars

Preemptive comment: Guinea pig Satan has a smaller hell than what Dante described.

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