Allen American > News
Gimme your problems, your distressed, your oh so lame …
J. David Barron
Really. I oughta be put in charge of running the world.
For instance – and this is good so pay attention – I don’t mind stating for the world to know that as a fiscal conservative I wouldn’t vote for Barack Obama if he were running against Snoopy. That duly disclosed for armchair psychiatrists and rock throwers everywhere, I’ll help him get re-elected if he’ll bother to just listen to me. And do what I am about to suggest.
See? I’m so selfless. I really oughta be in charge of running the world.
Issue No. 1 for the so-called Leader of the Free World: the Keystone Pipeline. If Obama somehow develops the sense to ignore the tree-huggers and bunny-huggers shouting in his ear long enough to think rationally, he would realize the considerable political clout to be gained by okaying what essentially would be a massive economic infusion so big nearly everybody across the aisle in Congress would stand up and cheer. Well, OK, a bit of an exaggeration. But certainly enough to make the thing law.
A law we all can live with (eventually) that also helps to ply apart the gridlock everyone (there’s that exaggeration again) is screaming about currently paralyzing Congress. Pretty cool when you can do one thing that is efficient enough to satisfy two problems, huh? (An endearing quality for running the world – I’m just saying.)
Much more can be delved into about Keystone, but suffice to say that a whole bunch of Republican-leaning voters would take serious notice. Such people can clamor all they want about supporting Donald Duck, whatever his name, but who they are really supporting is Anyone But Obama. However, you start making things better for what matters most to them – seeing an increase in their money - the bet here is that some inclinations begin to change. A whole lot of people’s inclinations who are at the moment ready to not vote for the pres. Capiche?
Again, I’m just saying. Pretty admirable quality to be able to easily recognize such matters when one is in charge of running the world.
Now, drum roll, please… here’s the clincher for One Big A** Mistake America’s re-election guarantee: identifying so-called illegal voters. The Feds got beat in court last week and so were forced to have such demographics (read: those who ain’t suppose to be able to vote in this country in the first place, according to the Constitution) be required to jump through legal hoops in order to prove it is law-abiding for them to vote. (Really shouldn’t even be an issue, one would think, but this is an election year. So anything goes.)
How ‘bout our Hawaiian-born Kenyan Commander–in-Chief be savvy enough to decide that something along the lines of taking this defeat handed down to him from the courts could be turned around to his benefit? You know, the old political trick of “I thought of that myself!” Right.
So if the president whom we know the absolutely least history ever as far as grades, old girlfriends, former teachers, classmates, whether he washed behind his ears, etc. – the complete list we knew everything of about Bill, W, Tricky Dick, even Washington – were to suddenly come out and endorse the practice of actually upholding the law (now there is an idea for a president), just imagine the ramifications among those presently campaigning for Daffy! Sure, that Menace to the Second Amendment might lose a few thousand votes he shouldn’t have anyway, but the wager here is he would actually pick up a few million from those now shouting for Foghorn, or whatever his name is that’s about as sharp as a bowling ball.
Why would I do this since it will obviously get someone another term that I do not want to be at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. another 4 minutes, even? Because I want what’s best for all of us: me in charge.
And I’ll be a prince about it. You pay the tab and I’ll be glad to come to wherever you would like to have my coronation.
J. David Barron is a staff columnist for Star Community Newspapers. Reach him at firstname.lastname@example.org
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