Swiping money at the church

Went to church last Sunday. I like to from time to time just to mess with the poor attendance lady. When we sign the questionnaire inserted into the bulletin, there's a space inquiring if we are a member or a visitor. I always put a ? between the two, like I don't understand. But she doesn't know that, so as far as she can tell, I may be saying, "I ain't sure."

Then, to really make sure I yank her chain, underneath the section asking for prayer requests, I just write, "Please pray for me." I figure she can already tell I need it, but by not detailing what exactly I may be wanting, I'm sure it causes her to have to really give it some effort. Either that, or it's helping her practice her forgiveness. That's good for her spiritual growth, too. Paul had his thorn. I'm hers. At least I don't just write, "Yep" under prayer requests.

Learned something new, too, while I was there being somewhat of a spiritual mischief. We had a guest preacher who taught us the difference between "naked" and "nekkid". He said "naked" is when you ain't got any clothes on. "Nekkid" is when you ain't got any clothes on and you're up to something. I pondered that awhile, praying even that my significant other might consider such a comment a sign from God, and wanna get "nekkid" a little more often. But she wouldn't even return my gaze, so I figured I might as well just put my clothes back on - so to speak. Cuz I just don't look good "naked" any more. And my knees hurt too much to go streaking again.

But back to this issue as to whether I'm a member or a guest just visiting. Me and the significant other blithely spilled the words, "I do" in that church, then spent our first 10 years of matrimonial bliss going there for counseling and what-not before we hightailed it to Colorado these past nine years. Now that we're back home, I feel a bit put-upon to have to answer that question. It's kinda like having to wear a name tag whenever you visit your folks. Sure, you don't live there anymore, but it's still home! After all, what are they gonna do if you suddenly announce during one of those visits, "Surprise! I ain't leaving!" You know they ain't gonna call the cops. They're hosed! Serves 'em right, too, if you think about it. It's what they got coming for gettin' "nekkid".

By now you can probably tell the Church of What's Happening Now where I go ain't my momma and daddy's church. But just cuz we don't serve Moon Pies and R.C. Cola's for communion don't mean we ain't got some good ideas now and then. Like this new thing for tithing the Gawd Awmighty New Yak Times recently saw fit to report. Now you can leave your cash at home accidently and not have to feel bad whenever the plate is passed. Cuz you can charge it! Or debit, as I prefer.

God knows I believe in giving. Gotta pay the light bill somehow. Plus, Lord's gotta want that poor attendance lady to get paid something. More important than even that, there are people to feed, and help in innumerable other ways, all around us every day. How we gonna manage that if we always leave our cash at home on purpose? This is a legit concern.

Marty Baker saw the light. Baker, senior pastor at Stevens Creek Church in Augusta, Ga., took a cue from ParishPay, which set up a bunch of Catholic churches to help worshippers be able to pay with plastic. The result has been anywhere from a 20-30 percent increase in giving. With that came the idea of an in-church kiosk that Baker helped create in 2003. God obviously blessed Baker's brainchild, SecureGive, as it is now a for-profit operation in hundreds of churches throughout the country, as well as hospitals, even Hindu temples. Coming next ... Funeral parlors! Where people are just dying to give! Maybe not.

Wherever else the idea of tithing with plastic comes alive, it's sure to only increase the take - which is a good thing! Because what else is the church if first and foremost it's not a body of believers willing to help meet people's needs with whatever money, marbles and chalk necessary to make a difference?

Might as well be just a bunch of juvenile-acting adults running around gettin' "nekkid".

Contact Star Newspapers staff columnist J. David Barron at dbarron@starlocalnews.com, where he never lets the facts get in the way of a good story.

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